Just can’t fit…

The no name shape
Made with no congruent peers in mind 
Born to be a one piece puzzle 
Impossible to take apart 
Surreal to see in the flesh 
Built to last and always alone 
You can’t squeeze it in over there or just force it in by smashing it…

You ever feel like you just don’t fit in any of the molds set up before you? Like no matter where you go or how you try it just can’t work? Upon graduating from college I was determined to find a job in my field for my gap year. I was hired and offered jobs in three different cities and for three different positions; I’m young and trying to earn and save as much coins as possible, so I went with the position that paid the most and it just so happened to be somewhere closer to home. I could visit my family more often and they could visit me. Caught up in the joy of relocating for a new job, making better money, and being in a fresh new environment, I disregarded the woes of the actually relocating. They wanted me to start the next week. FAST AF. I’m living in Tallahassee where everything fits just right at the time and seemed to be getting better by the day. But life is about adapting to change so get with it sus!
SO QUICK MAKE A CHECKLIST FOR YOUR NEW LIFE. 

1. Fuck it up like it’s ya birthday bihhh YOUS EMPLOYEDDD

2. *Ok. Calm down.* And figure out how tf you’re going to tell your BF, who at this point you’re damn near living with because you just go home to get more clothes, you got the job and he needed to brace his self for this transition to Long Distance Lovers. 

3. Girl ya lease not even up yet. You have a lot of shit. How you moving it all?!

4. TF ARE YOU STAYINGGG? What areas are considered the hood? What’s a good area to stay in? Uhhh… ok kinda priceyyy… let’s try good with reasonable pricing — Search Results = 0

5. Telling your bestest college friends you were leaving them. (They’re going to hate me) 
So as I made my way down the checklist things didn’t really feel hopeful but it was a new city, new energy, and new vibes. What’s worst that could happen right? Except for you just not clicking with the city and the traffic and the energy. So it was time to revisit the list. 

1. Work was still straight but hey it’s just training. 

2. Reoccurring side chick problems… yeah we’re done 

3. Paying rent in two cities *STRONG EYE ROLL* Packed and moved all my shit ALONE. 

4. CHILEEE. *Face Palm*

5. Just as I guessed THEY HATED ME. *Face Palm x3* 
But I decided to continue to stick it out. Work environment felt great for the most part and they provided a extensive support system. But everything outside of work just seemed to fall short. Always incomplete. Always uneasy. And lacking comfort. The desire to go back home just continues to grow. I don’t like it here. Transfer me Jesus. 

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I’m Erica…and I’m an Addict

💛

Pieces of E

Dear Diary,

This semester I have been counseling victims of substance abuse. I have had the pleasure of listening to their stories about their use of crack, cocaine, heroin, alcohol, pills, and marijuana. When I hear their stories I am always so amazed and empathetic because I realize that we actually have a lot in common. So here is my story:

My name is Erica, and I’m an addict.

My drug of choice is the deadliest of them all: Love. (Or at least what I have been led to believe love is.)

Ever since my first taste, I was hooked. Haven’t been able to completely kick my habit for years because the high was everything I have ever wanted in this life. For brief but beautiful moments, it took away all of the pain, insecurities, and problems I had. But what they don’t tell you when you start, is that…

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Find the Beauty in YOUR Storm

Sometimes we get so caught up in life being “hard”, going through the motions, and hurdling over people’s bullshit, that we forget to take a minute to appreciate the storm. Every storm is a battle preparing you for greatness. I, myself, can’t remember a story of victory without an uphill battle prior to the glory. Just as we are given a choice of whether to take on the storm or lay down and let the storm take us on, we are given the choice of whether the storm will be our testimony or our excuse for complacency
As I was scrolling through Facebook one day I read a quote on a post that stuck with me; it was my screensaver for quite some time as a reminder, “God showed me what failure and success looked like and gave me a choice.” We have free will and everything beyond your childhood is in your hands and of your choice. Your circumstances are not based on your mother or father’s drug use or lack of financial resources nor is your circumstances based on whether you were raised by your biological parent, family members, or the state. These things may effect you but they shouldn’t determine what you’re destined to be. Regardless of your circumstances, you can still be great and successful. It frustrates me sometimes when people allow their current situation to enable them from their full potential. Don’t become complacent and numb to the obstacles and burdens of your life but act as warrior and fight through these things. No one great became that without time, efforts, and perseverance. There’s always going to be greater later. 💛


No Sunshine without Somber

Sunshine and rainbows… but you can’t have those without the storm

So in anticipation, I accept the pain and suffering with my head angled directly into the eye

Surely, withering through these whirlwinds won’t have any thing on the beauty that flourishes from the raining tears 

As the tears grow heavier, so does my smile fore you must appreciate the sorrows and sombers as you would rejoice at the sight of luminosity.

As your dark clouds surround you, envy of another’s sunshine may alter your earth’s shift. 

We won’t experience the same weather as someone else. 

Your temple was built specifically for your test; And the world may never allow any storm or being to tear it down without the manisfestation of restoration beyond your own visualization.

…Bitch I kept it trucking.

I tell my story for me and not for anyone else or to persecute anyone. I started my blog for my own healing because I have issues with expressing the things I feel inside and I allowed these things to make me an angry person on the inside. From angry rages, random crying fits and anxiety attacks… all because I refused to face the music. I wanted to make a love that wasn’t real look as authentic as possible because I was comfortable and I didn’t know how to start over and build with another man; a man that wasn’t “more” broken than me. I loved my ex even through the bullshit because I knew it was fucked up shit about him that made him need me more than I needed him. And his need for my help in healing assisted in me avoiding my own maintenance. If I had to focus on his vices and childhood trauma, I wouldn’t have to deal with my anxiety, my emotional instability, my anger issues and rage. Oh I was very talented at making myself up. None of these things effected who I was on the surface, but it did effect me as a loved one. Anyone that made attempts to dig into these hot spots were sure to get burnt; I ran from the people that tried to make me work through these issues and/or love me through these issues. But with someone that had issues bigger than I saw my own, it made everything secondary and I was at my peak.  
I became so focused and in-tuned with fixing him knowing that him being his best self would only send me into a new interest of another broken man. It was an addiction to the procrastination of self healing. If he followed my guidelines to healing and restoration we were good because I knew he would fall short very soon; because he wasn’t doing these things for himself but for the man I wanted him to be. And I wasn’t forcing this growth for him but for my own satisfaction. “You may be angry on the inside but look at the greatness you assisted in manifesting in this man before your eyes.” As if I was working miracles as Jesus did. You turned a mere coal-like man into a diamond; all to be a pendent on my gold-PLATED necklace. Treating myself as a green ass knock off… but it’s cool tho because it’s paired with some expensive ass parts. “Baby boy can’t read or write but he got them Jays tho” type shit. 

But what the fuck are you supposed to do when your project goes rogue on you? It all became overwhelming… he lashed out and wreaked havoc like Frankenstein; I was unsure of the way in which I could regain control of it all. So I would abandon ship… but never for too long. As if my absence was to act as his “timeout”. But as the pattern continued it was all too usual and the havoc returned; we were back at square one. 

The lack of control only made my own problems resurface. But at this point, I was ready to work. I wanted to get right and what’s a better way than together this time? Right? Wrong. Like a trained dog, he rode his rollercoaster of change. We were making strides but I looked aside and no one was there… I looked behind me and there he was… lounging and admiring the score board. The game or journey wasn’t over but it was quitting time. “Well at least I made it this far”… backsliding into the same mud and sinking deeper as if it became quicksand. 

So what was I to do? Dive in and allow myself to be potentially swallowed whole by both of our pasts or keep it trucking like the engine that could and hope he’d catch back up? Bitch I kept it trucking… and had whiplash from turning, bending and breaking my neck with the hope he would be in my sights again. But he never caught up and I couldn’t slow down. The higher up I got the faster life moved. I couldn’t look back anymore. 

Cake and Eat It Too

LISTEN. And listen VERY closely. You CAN’T have both. You can’t have the relationship you fought him to have with you and revenge for the hurt you experienced on your way there. You honestly have to pick one. You fought long and hard as his ride or die and he finally sees that with you is where he wants to be and he’s ready to be the right man; not only for you but for his self as well. But now that he’s decided to take his seat at the table, the memories of him playing the field and perusing through options are in the back of your mind. So you continue to entertain the DMs and the ex boyfriends that you always allowed to linger around because he was playing games too; because in your mind “I mean he did his dirt. I’m not even taking these dudes serious.” Unknowingly you started to become everything you hated about him. You find yourself doing all the things he did to make you feel insecure about the relationship. Secretly texting other people, deleting threads, phone laying face down or on DND💤 when he’s around… you’re now the problem in your relationship. 

They say women are stronger than men emotionally to justify a woman’s ability to stand by their man’s side during all the bullshit and put herself aside for the betterment of their relationship. But if you’re holding a grudge when everything is the way you fought for then why did you wait? Are you happy or are you playing a game or simply playing happy? If you weren’t over the issues in the relationship and infidelities why did you agree to continue the relationship? You were free to go at any point but you stayed. 

Don’t fight for something and ruin it all in the same breathe. If you want the relationship and you’re willing to stay until it is what you expect from it then be my guest. Just understand when you make the decision to work it out and stay you cannot hold the things done in the time in which you decided to wait against your significant other. 

You’re human, of course you were hurt by some things; but you defeat the purpose in what you stood in the ring for. I believe there’s a difference in playing your part & working on your relationship and playing a fool & stepping stool. Sometimes we feel as though we’re doing both and resent the person for making us feel so low. Those feelings sometimes cause the relationship to go sour. Staying can be sweet and sour but you have the power to decide if you want to embrace the sweets and let go of the sour. Don’t be a Sour Patch Kid, love. 💋

Love Versus Vice

Dating someone that continues to fall to the temptations of their vices can be frustrating. You want to grow but it seems as though they slip into the comfort of their vice and fall short towards the goals you both set together. Taking everything they do that’s opposite of the goals set for the both of you personal. It hurts you that they continue to hurt their self by falling short in bettering their self. Every excuse feels like a stab in the chest. Do you continue to ride them on their toxic behavior or allow them to see for their self and create an exit plan for yourself? How much “nagging” or holding accountable could you do before it takes a stab at your relationship? An open relationship starts to transition into a relationship with secrets. Secrets that may lead to issues you never thought of. They went from indulging in front of you to be completely open and frank with you, to hiding it and lying to you to keep their habit. Your boyfriend that drank just a little bit too much for your liking just started to feel like he had to move around you and hide. While dealing with these kinds of issues I read article after article to see how others may have dealt with it and there was no right answer, only one that stood out most amongst the others. NEVER willingly sign up for someone else’s addiction, that’s asking for a lifetime of heartache, lies, and betrayal. So do you take a stance and fight or take flight when introduced to your partner’s vice? Best to make the decision before love makes it for you. Sometimes we become addicted to trying to fix someone or helping them fight their addictions. 

I Used To Pray For You

I used to pray for you…

Hoping that your greatness would become apparent in our love 

I used to pray for you…

Because I felt my love for you required it

Praying for you to be a stronger man

Body of a bull and mind like a sponge  

Strong so when you held me I understood that I didn’t have to be any more

My fight with the world was now over

And I was able to be just your queen…

Soft and sensual

Melting in your arms

Strong like a sponge able to clean off the pain that spilled out of me

Wringing it out but still having enough remain to remind yourself of what used to be of me

What used to fill me up 

So that I won’t have to consume that same pain again

But with my prayer came your demons…

Every prayer packed a slap in my face 

Fighting with prayer while they fought with fire. 

As I prayed that your bottle would become heavier.. you made it lighter

You drank but my stomach always would become flooded with pain and sorrows

Butterflies turned into knots in my stomach

Mind becoming clouded by your smoke

Drowning in a fire you seemed to provoke

But I was still praying for you

I was still praying for us

Praying that I was worthy of you fighting your addictions and demons

Not only for the betterment of yourself but for us and knowing you wouldn’t be fighting alone 

But I fought while you watched 

You just couldn’t leave those demons alone so you left me

Alone with my prayers and tears 

Alone to ponder whether you chose your demons because you didn’t love me or simply not enough

STOP Venting & START Putting In WORK

The day you realize you’re not the center of everybody world you’ll stop taking everything people do personal. Everything isn’t because of you, people have LIFE going on too. No one is obligated to be there for your every moment because they have to be there for their self too. Expectation is one of the main roots of hurt and feeling some type of way about people. Don’t expect ANYTHING from anyone and you’ll save yourself a world of trouble and emotions. Granted you may do certain things and it’ll be great if those things were reciprocated but are you doing it from your heart or are you doing it for recognition and reciprocity? Unless it is the the exchange of money I honestly don’t expect a return on most of the things I do for people; but even in borrowing money I was taught if you can’t afford to lose it then don’t lend it. 

I’m the type of person that really just goes into a shell of reflection when I am troubled by things in my life. That shell doesn’t take me to a dark place but to a place that allows me to really analyze the events that took place prior to me being at that point, access it, and improve the person that I’ll be from that point on. I can’t afford to make the same mistake twice. How would talking and complaining about my issues to you help me realize what got me here and how I need to tighten up? Y’all seek advice for comfort and not for change and it puts you in a whirlpool. “When I needed somebody to talk to you weren’t there for me and that really hurt me!” Well after you spoke to me what the hell was I going to be able to help change in the situation? All that bitterness and anger about the situation is realeased into the universe after talking to me but it still will linger in your heart. Deal with your issues within yourself. That chip starts to shrink and your shoulder gets a whole lot lighter.

9 times out of 10 you “vented” and got advice about EVERYTHING already. How much more can advise do until you’re ready to work on it for real?! You’re sitting at home venting to your friends and your life is passing you by! You keep procrastinating over and over. “Well maybe I’ll break up with him next year… maybe I’ll work on everything after the holidays…” NO DO IT RIGHT NOW! YOUR LIFE IS PASSING YOU BY! They’ve been trying to work with you & they’re tired of your shit. YOU can do whatever YOU NEED to do to GROW & PROSPER. Go reflect and meditate, I’m sure it’ll help you. YOU SPEND ALL DAY ON THE PHONE ANYHOW! Why don’t you stop making phone calls and just help yourself for your future. All you gotta do is put the phone down and stop making calls. Why are you making it complicated? ITS E A S Y!!!!! 

Let’s make this the year of putting in work; on ourself, our dreams, our financial stability, and our education! STOP venting and START working! Use all the energy you’re turning into negativity and work with it for a positive outcome. Below I attached some tips/links to get you started. Let today begin a start of something new that will bring you to another level of thinking and healing. 


Meditation Tips for Beginners: 

https://zenhabits.net/meditation-guide/


Burning Sage to cleanse your home/room:

Benefits

https://www.movingtowardspeace.com/mtpblog/the-ancient-art-of-burning-sage.html

Methods

*FAV* http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/freshliving/2009/07/how-to-cleanse-your-home-with-sage.html

*Other Option*

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17875/a-sage-smudging-ritual-to-cleanse-your-aura-clear-your-space.html

**Remember to have a window open or doorway open while doing the Sage cleanse. I learned the hard way trust me lol

Standards 12:28

In a world of flawed men, are women expected to lower their standards or accept being alone? How much of yourself and self-respect would you give for “love”? If you accept things lower than what you deserve and stand for what does that mean for your standards and expectations for your children? After a man continues to cheat, use, and abuse you, you decide to stay. You have children with him.. what type of advice do you give your daughter in regards to the respect a man should have for her after witnessing her father disrespect you in certain ways? What type of man are you raising giving him the examples of how he should love a woman he decides to pursue when he comes of age. Forgetting that we have little people watching EVERYTHING we do and taking notes, we ruined the future of love. The existence of happily ever after has become so warped and distorted by the images that frequently came into our life between the Florida & James Evans, Cliff & Claire Huxtable, Martin & Gina, we also witnessed the abuse of our women and miseducation of what it means to truly love someone. Pain may be inevitable but if a love brings you more pain than joy then when is the right time to let go of the “I remember when he used to…” and recognize who he truly is at that point. As stated in my Dating Naked blog we introduce ourself as one person and at times it’s the kept up and clean on paper version of ourself rather than the raw, uncut, and naked version of ourself. Causing someone to fall in love with the facade of yourself is like a witch casting a spell on you. You continue to crave for that person you knew before the transition and hold on so tight with hopes they would come back. But that was never them to begin with.  

Set standards and don’t bend or break them! As I continue to grow, I learn my worth and the boundaries I shouldn’t let people cross without consequence. Everything is not ok. Everything is not suppose to be easily forgivable. Dedicating your time, heart, and anything else you bring into a relationship is a huge step. Anyone that takes it for granted should have their access in your life revoked! Loving yourself to the highest capacity is the first step in fighting for our future in love. We enter new situations making the same mistakes because we didn’t think about what we got out of the last relationship; causing people to become serial daters pursuing situations even if it was the same exact thing they just got out of. Self-love begins with being able to define what exactly you want from a significant other or friend. Truly loving yourself will allow you to request and require all the things desired to love you. When reflecting on my dating life I accepted things as going with the flow because I didn’t understand that I was worthy of demanding that the love I received wasn’t toxic or half-assed. There is no such thing as asking for too much but settling is definitely a real thing! Why aren’t we ever exact with our requirements for love? 

Dating Naked.

Imagine a dating world where we approached people of interest as our true self. The person that we knew ourself to be and not what the world wanted us to be? How often would we feel as though our time has been wasted by someone? The likelihood of feeling played and violated would slim down, wouldn’t it? What really forces us to remain clothe when meeting someone? Insecurities? If you’re unable to love yourself to approach as you are, is that person someone you feel is a challenge and causes you to put on a facade? TV shows like Catfish showcase people that believe they weren’t appealing enough to pursue someone as their true self on social media and as viewers people often laugh and make jokes of the situations. But we do the same things in our everyday life. Bending and reshaping depending on the person we’re dating or pursing. Looking into the interest of someone and focusing on that aspect of ourself to find a way in someone’s life. Hence the infamous, “what’s your type?” Question asked as people call their self trying to get to know you. When the show “Dating Naked” initially premiered I felt it was a bit extreme allowing someone to know you so intimately in a physical way. There’s no possible way to hide any insecurity you have with your body without a article of clothing. So how can we assure someone’s true self can’t be hidden? Because he didn’t change after sex he simply remained naked and you couldn’t recognize who you were laying next to anymore. He wasn’t the person you believed you allowed to remove your dress, unhook your bra and explore your insides. The whole time you were naked he was playing naked making you believe you all had connected just to leave you neglected and confused.