Cake and Eat It Too

LISTEN. And listen VERY closely. You CAN’T have both. You can’t have the relationship you fought him to have with you and revenge for the hurt you experienced on your way there. You honestly have to pick one. You fought long and hard as his ride or die and he finally sees that with you is where he wants to be and he’s ready to be the right man; not only for you but for his self as well. But now that he’s decided to take his seat at the table, the memories of him playing the field and perusing through options are in the back of your mind. So you continue to entertain the DMs and the ex boyfriends that you always allowed to linger around because he was playing games too; because in your mind “I mean he did his dirt. I’m not even taking these dudes serious.” Unknowingly you started to become everything you hated about him. You find yourself doing all the things he did to make you feel insecure about the relationship. Secretly texting other people, deleting threads, phone laying face down or on DND💤 when he’s around… you’re now the problem in your relationship. 

They say women are stronger than men emotionally to justify a woman’s ability to stand by their man’s side during all the bullshit and put herself aside for the betterment of their relationship. But if you’re holding a grudge when everything is the way you fought for then why did you wait? Are you happy or are you playing a game or simply playing happy? If you weren’t over the issues in the relationship and infidelities why did you agree to continue the relationship? You were free to go at any point but you stayed. 

Don’t fight for something and ruin it all in the same breathe. If you want the relationship and you’re willing to stay until it is what you expect from it then be my guest. Just understand when you make the decision to work it out and stay you cannot hold the things done in the time in which you decided to wait against your significant other. 

You’re human, of course you were hurt by some things; but you defeat the purpose in what you stood in the ring for. I believe there’s a difference in playing your part & working on your relationship and playing a fool & stepping stool. Sometimes we feel as though we’re doing both and resent the person for making us feel so low. Those feelings sometimes cause the relationship to go sour. Staying can be sweet and sour but you have the power to decide if you want to embrace the sweets and let go of the sour. Don’t be a Sour Patch Kid, love. 💋

Love Versus Vice

Dating someone that continues to fall to the temptations of their vices can be frustrating. You want to grow but it seems as though they slip into the comfort of their vice and fall short towards the goals you both set together. Taking everything they do that’s opposite of the goals set for the both of you personal. It hurts you that they continue to hurt their self by falling short in bettering their self. Every excuse feels like a stab in the chest. Do you continue to ride them on their toxic behavior or allow them to see for their self and create an exit plan for yourself? How much “nagging” or holding accountable could you do before it takes a stab at your relationship? An open relationship starts to transition into a relationship with secrets. Secrets that may lead to issues you never thought of. They went from indulging in front of you to be completely open and frank with you, to hiding it and lying to you to keep their habit. Your boyfriend that drank just a little bit too much for your liking just started to feel like he had to move around you and hide. While dealing with these kinds of issues I read article after article to see how others may have dealt with it and there was no right answer, only one that stood out most amongst the others. NEVER willingly sign up for someone else’s addiction, that’s asking for a lifetime of heartache, lies, and betrayal. So do you take a stance and fight or take flight when introduced to your partner’s vice? Best to make the decision before love makes it for you. Sometimes we become addicted to trying to fix someone or helping them fight their addictions. 

I Used To Pray For You

I used to pray for you…

Hoping that your greatness would become apparent in our love 

I used to pray for you…

Because I felt my love for you required it

Praying for you to be a stronger man

Body of a bull and mind like a sponge  

Strong so when you held me I understood that I didn’t have to be any more

My fight with the world was now over

And I was able to be just your queen…

Soft and sensual

Melting in your arms

Strong like a sponge able to clean off the pain that spilled out of me

Wringing it out but still having enough remain to remind yourself of what used to be of me

What used to fill me up 

So that I won’t have to consume that same pain again

But with my prayer came your demons…

Every prayer packed a slap in my face 

Fighting with prayer while they fought with fire. 

As I prayed that your bottle would become heavier.. you made it lighter

You drank but my stomach always would become flooded with pain and sorrows

Butterflies turned into knots in my stomach

Mind becoming clouded by your smoke

Drowning in a fire you seemed to provoke

But I was still praying for you

I was still praying for us

Praying that I was worthy of you fighting your addictions and demons

Not only for the betterment of yourself but for us and knowing you wouldn’t be fighting alone 

But I fought while you watched 

You just couldn’t leave those demons alone so you left me

Alone with my prayers and tears 

Alone to ponder whether you chose your demons because you didn’t love me or simply not enough

STOP Venting & START Putting In WORK

The day you realize you’re not the center of everybody world you’ll stop taking everything people do personal. Everything isn’t because of you, people have LIFE going on too. No one is obligated to be there for your every moment because they have to be there for their self too. Expectation is one of the main roots of hurt and feeling some type of way about people. Don’t expect ANYTHING from anyone and you’ll save yourself a world of trouble and emotions. Granted you may do certain things and it’ll be great if those things were reciprocated but are you doing it from your heart or are you doing it for recognition and reciprocity? Unless it is the the exchange of money I honestly don’t expect a return on most of the things I do for people; but even in borrowing money I was taught if you can’t afford to lose it then don’t lend it. 

I’m the type of person that really just goes into a shell of reflection when I am troubled by things in my life. That shell doesn’t take me to a dark place but to a place that allows me to really analyze the events that took place prior to me being at that point, access it, and improve the person that I’ll be from that point on. I can’t afford to make the same mistake twice. How would talking and complaining about my issues to you help me realize what got me here and how I need to tighten up? Y’all seek advice for comfort and not for change and it puts you in a whirlpool. “When I needed somebody to talk to you weren’t there for me and that really hurt me!” Well after you spoke to me what the hell was I going to be able to help change in the situation? All that bitterness and anger about the situation is realeased into the universe after talking to me but it still will linger in your heart. Deal with your issues within yourself. That chip starts to shrink and your shoulder gets a whole lot lighter.

9 times out of 10 you “vented” and got advice about EVERYTHING already. How much more can advise do until you’re ready to work on it for real?! You’re sitting at home venting to your friends and your life is passing you by! You keep procrastinating over and over. “Well maybe I’ll break up with him next year… maybe I’ll work on everything after the holidays…” NO DO IT RIGHT NOW! YOUR LIFE IS PASSING YOU BY! They’ve been trying to work with you & they’re tired of your shit. YOU can do whatever YOU NEED to do to GROW & PROSPER. Go reflect and meditate, I’m sure it’ll help you. YOU SPEND ALL DAY ON THE PHONE ANYHOW! Why don’t you stop making phone calls and just help yourself for your future. All you gotta do is put the phone down and stop making calls. Why are you making it complicated? ITS E A S Y!!!!! 

Let’s make this the year of putting in work; on ourself, our dreams, our financial stability, and our education! STOP venting and START working! Use all the energy you’re turning into negativity and work with it for a positive outcome. Below I attached some tips/links to get you started. Let today begin a start of something new that will bring you to another level of thinking and healing. 


Meditation Tips for Beginners: 

https://zenhabits.net/meditation-guide/


Burning Sage to cleanse your home/room:

Benefits

https://www.movingtowardspeace.com/mtpblog/the-ancient-art-of-burning-sage.html

Methods

*FAV* http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/freshliving/2009/07/how-to-cleanse-your-home-with-sage.html

*Other Option*

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17875/a-sage-smudging-ritual-to-cleanse-your-aura-clear-your-space.html

**Remember to have a window open or doorway open while doing the Sage cleanse. I learned the hard way trust me lol

Standards 12:28

In a world of flawed men, are women expected to lower their standards or accept being alone? How much of yourself and self-respect would you give for “love”? If you accept things lower than what you deserve and stand for what does that mean for your standards and expectations for your children? After a man continues to cheat, use, and abuse you, you decide to stay. You have children with him.. what type of advice do you give your daughter in regards to the respect a man should have for her after witnessing her father disrespect you in certain ways? What type of man are you raising giving him the examples of how he should love a woman he decides to pursue when he comes of age. Forgetting that we have little people watching EVERYTHING we do and taking notes, we ruined the future of love. The existence of happily ever after has become so warped and distorted by the images that frequently came into our life between the Florida & James Evans, Cliff & Claire Huxtable, Martin & Gina, we also witnessed the abuse of our women and miseducation of what it means to truly love someone. Pain may be inevitable but if a love brings you more pain than joy then when is the right time to let go of the “I remember when he used to…” and recognize who he truly is at that point. As stated in my Dating Naked blog we introduce ourself as one person and at times it’s the kept up and clean on paper version of ourself rather than the raw, uncut, and naked version of ourself. Causing someone to fall in love with the facade of yourself is like a witch casting a spell on you. You continue to crave for that person you knew before the transition and hold on so tight with hopes they would come back. But that was never them to begin with.  

Set standards and don’t bend or break them! As I continue to grow, I learn my worth and the boundaries I shouldn’t let people cross without consequence. Everything is not ok. Everything is not suppose to be easily forgivable. Dedicating your time, heart, and anything else you bring into a relationship is a huge step. Anyone that takes it for granted should have their access in your life revoked! Loving yourself to the highest capacity is the first step in fighting for our future in love. We enter new situations making the same mistakes because we didn’t think about what we got out of the last relationship; causing people to become serial daters pursuing situations even if it was the same exact thing they just got out of. Self-love begins with being able to define what exactly you want from a significant other or friend. Truly loving yourself will allow you to request and require all the things desired to love you. When reflecting on my dating life I accepted things as going with the flow because I didn’t understand that I was worthy of demanding that the love I received wasn’t toxic or half-assed. There is no such thing as asking for too much but settling is definitely a real thing! Why aren’t we ever exact with our requirements for love? 

Dating Naked.

Imagine a dating world where we approached people of interest as our true self. The person that we knew ourself to be and not what the world wanted us to be? How often would we feel as though our time has been wasted by someone? The likelihood of feeling played and violated would slim down, wouldn’t it? What really forces us to remain clothe when meeting someone? Insecurities? If you’re unable to love yourself to approach as you are, is that person someone you feel is a challenge and causes you to put on a facade? TV shows like Catfish showcase people that believe they weren’t appealing enough to pursue someone as their true self on social media and as viewers people often laugh and make jokes of the situations. But we do the same things in our everyday life. Bending and reshaping depending on the person we’re dating or pursing. Looking into the interest of someone and focusing on that aspect of ourself to find a way in someone’s life. Hence the infamous, “what’s your type?” Question asked as people call their self trying to get to know you. When the show “Dating Naked” initially premiered I felt it was a bit extreme allowing someone to know you so intimately in a physical way. There’s no possible way to hide any insecurity you have with your body without a article of clothing. So how can we assure someone’s true self can’t be hidden? Because he didn’t change after sex he simply remained naked and you couldn’t recognize who you were laying next to anymore. He wasn’t the person you believed you allowed to remove your dress, unhook your bra and explore your insides. The whole time you were naked he was playing naked making you believe you all had connected just to leave you neglected and confused.

Epiphany!

The worst thing I ever did was fall in love with someone that wasn’t ready to love. You can’t teach or force someone to move forward with you. Sometimes we try so hard because we refuse to let go of our efforts and feelings. But the signs were all there from the beginning. We continue even after the “I’m not looking for a relationship” line. It’s like we spring into “Challenge Accepted” mode. And we won’t stop until we accomplish that mission. Defeating ourselves during this uphill battle. Thinking you’re the one that just might change this person from who they just blatantly told you they were. Putting ourself in a situation we know won’t be good for us. Pointing out the small things we know won’t justify the hurt we are preparing to put ourself through. Somehow feeling like we are superior to their initial thoughts and feelings. When you enter a situation there should be no proving you’re worthy for anyone. Before you pursue me you should see something that you’re interested in and date me to dig into that interest. And as we date I’ll learn things about you that either agree with my personality and energy or don’t. Being our true self so that there aren’t any surprises in the long run. People get involved with people  and put their self on a pedestal. As if the person should be honored that you decided to grace them with your attention and presence. But who the hell are you?

The Build Up

We often find ourselves stuck in this ruck and it’s not because we don’t know what we need to do to climb out of this emotional grave but because we allow our pride and egos to block our growth. Being someone that always struggled to express myself verbally I’m beginning to grow and learn that bottling things up won’t do anything but spoil your insides and leave you bitter. I refuse to be bitter when all it took was to express that hurt, betrayal, etc. I would write expressing things as giving people the satisfaction of a reaction or “he won’t know he hurt me!” But why shouldn’t he? Every situation won’t result in closure but if the door is there than kick that shit down. Your joy is on the other side! It’s time to stop being angry with the world and address who we’re really and truly angry at or hurt by. Behind every “Angry Black Woman” there’s a story of things that she never let out… things that she believed was a “her” problem and not for anyone else to help her through. Don’t continue the cycle. It’s time to break the cycle and stereotype of the angry black woman by simply taking the steps to have those conversations towards healing. It won’t be over night but it will feel better every step of the way. The other night I drove around the city with no where to go. Thinking I would drive into the answer but they never came… so I parked and sat there praying for an answer. And my hand continued to tap to that contact. And each time I exited back out I found myself back at the same contact. It was time to put on my big girl panties and press talk. But before I did I prayed and these words came to me… 

Just Press Talk

Decision were made

And things were said 

Whether it ends well or in turmoil 

Just press talk

Don’t talk to everyone else but the problem about the issue

Taking steps and strides towards healing won’t be for anyone but you. 

Don’t be afraid to put your anger and pride aside to avoid the bitter tongue in the long run

It’s easier to bite the bullet and say fuck you but all that’s doing is fucking me over 

There won’t be answers to all the questions but you’ll give and release everything you need to & assure your heart is clear

So just press talk and don’t punk out by hanging up

Just stop by and sit down and be adults 

Saying it’s over never ends things

Your heart is still connected 

Your souls are still tied

Press talk and start untying & undoing

All the pain both of you brought on to each other could stop if you just press talk

Love Jones

Baby I think I have a love jones for you

Haven’t met you yet but I still feel your body,

I can smell your body,

I wanna touch your body…

Not yet physically but let me feel your insides..

Get lost in the pink matter beneath your dark skin

Use the rhythm of your soul to guide me through your maze

Before we get lost in the sheets 

Let our souls meet 

And when they become one 

We’ll become one.

One touch, one mind, one love

…baby I think I have a love jones for you💕 

“Meet Me Halfway”

I’ll walk miles just to be with you baby

But what’s the sacrifice worth if it’s not equal

Meet me half way and we’ll hurt and heal together

As long as we’re together

When life beats you down Im here to take some of your licks

Tag me in your ring just don’t leave me in alone for good

But when my match is up will you be my savior 

Will you block out the blows of the world 

Because if I’m fighting with you I’ll fight forever

Whether down bad when you look to your side I’ll be there baby

Protector. Provider. Partner. 

Just be sure to meet me half way ❣